1) The Expendables 2
This movie is so bad that it’s frightening. The thing that makes it worse is that a lot of people loved it. How far will we go just to make the same Chuck Norris jokes we’ve been making for ten years? Any semblance of a movie that existed in the first Expendables turned into once-famous stars choking on each others dicks and swallowing dialogue so bad that it leaves the realm of “cheesy” and enters the category of “Birdemic”.
A movie about splosions n’ stuff. Some dancing hamster robots, and… I don’t know. It had some very charming moments that all culminated in millions of dollars worth of mediocrity.
3) Chernobyl Diaries
The biggest let down in horror for me personally in a long time. The perfect example of the commercials having ALL of the good parts. The movie was just a mess otherwise, with the most forgettable of casts, a story that took great potential and said, “Fuck it”, and…. just don’t see it, kay?
4) The Bourne Legacy
Honestly, I left this movie feeling pretty good about it, although a bit “meh”. After several months the movie has greatly depreciated in value, partially after re-watching the old ones. It just didn’t cut it. Partially due to the terrible editing bestowed upon this movie, but mainly due to the feeling that Aaron Cross would lose a fight with Jason Bourne in about 13 seconds. Aaron Cross never crossed the line into “bona-fide badass” territory and the movie suffers for it.
5) The Expendables 2
Like the Expendables 2, I also know how to run a joke into the ground with the grace of aging steroid freaks. I felt it necessary to reiterate my hate for this movie. Not only is it bad, but it’s one of only three movies that have made me feel like I was literally getting dumber from watching it. No exaggeration. I am serious. When Jean-Claude Van Damme ends up being the best actor in a movie you should know you fucked up big time.