The growing energy demands of the world and our dependence on non-renewable sources is quickly becoming our planet’s greatest problem. With dwindling reserves of oil and coal, science has been doing all it can to harness renewable energy sources to keep up our growing power appetite. We’ve all heard about wind and solar power, but there’s a new contender in town.
Just like solar and wind, we’re harnessing energy that’s already there – the magma sitting below our feet – to turn water to steam and steam to turn turbines that then generate electricity. It’s so simple and yet so effective that to date 70% of Iceland’s power consumption is sourced from geothermal sources. So with all this renewable energy, our planet is looking like it’s in great shape, right?
You’re telling me that a power company is pulling energy out of the earth all so we can watch TV? And nobody sees a problem with this?
So you people just WANT a Sephiroth to rise, don’t you? Well I have news for you. We don’t have time for a spooky motherfucker waving a too-long sword and preaching about his mommy issues wrecking our good time. Taking energy from space or the air or by burning dinosaur bones and plastic bags or whatever coal is made out of was too safe? Just have to go tempting fate by dicking about with the planet, huh?
Now I’m not saying geothermal energy causes Sephiroths, but I damn well AM saying that it causes an environment in which Sephiroths can flourish! You don’t store your chicken at room temperature on the counter, and you don’t go fucking around with mother earth when we have so many unstable people with access to extrabigassswords.com.
“That would never happen! And even if it did, it’s not like Sephiroth won!”
Yeah, a ragtag band of god damn heroes stopped Sephiroth. Real warriors with names like Cloud, Barrett, and Tifa. But it’s 2015 and if I may say so myself, we’re all looking a bit doughy. Do you know anyone with names that slick sounding? No. We can’t depend on Caleb, Bradley, and Taylor to save the day.
Oh and by the way, did anyone even bother to see Advent Children? Did you see what happened when we hurt the planet too much? IT CREATED AN ENTIRE FUCKING DISEASE FOR THE HUMAN RACE BECAUSE FUCK YOU, I’M THE PLANET AND THIS IS MY LIFESTREAM NOT YOURS.
Basically, we’re all super-fucked and it’s Iceland’s fault.
Science is a funny thing. There’s been this traditional stereotype about scientists rolling through life with pocket protectors and slide rules, cloaked in a lab coat and hunched over their microscopes. But over the last few years the subject has picked up a few more fans. TV shows like Through the Wormhole hosted by Morgan Freeman and great programming on Science Channel and other educational outlets have started to help pull science into the mainstream, by making it more accessible to everyday people. Even on the local level for me in Philadelphia I see big events like the Philadelphia Science Festival and can easily see the rise in interest this kind of accessibility can bring.
For my friends who know me in person, they know I am a big horticulture enthusiast. A plant and garden nerd so to speak. Yes. That’s actually a thing. It’s a really long story. Luckily gardening and sustainability and munching on farm fresh food is catching on with my fellow twenty-somethings so these days I no longer feel like the only one under sixty getting in a tizzy over evergreen shrubs and heirloom melons. But, this week I wanted to divulge a secret about the horticulture world you may not actually know. Gardeners, are nerds. Completely. Utterly. And not just in the sense of being a fanatic; horticulturists are trolls. Giant. Trolls. How? For those who think gardening means plants with very serious and frou-frou names, well you’re only partially right. The truth is, a lot of plant breeders and nurseries that introduce them just don’t give a fuck. Trolls. For every rose named ‘Madame Victor Verdier’ you have a rose named ‘Tipsy Imperial Concubine’.
I am not joking.
And that is only a vintage example from the 1800s.
Since then we’ve have had horticulturists and breeders introduce into the world plant cultivar with names like ‘Hamburger Phoenix’ , ‘Cheddar Supreme’, and’ Crotchless Panties’. Serious!
In fact, there are particular flower breeders that are the most troll-tastic; daylilies, rose, iris and hosta breeders really could care less. They give absolutely no fucks. Zero. None. Nothing at the bottom of the barrel. You could dig for ages, you just won’t find one. Nope. Nothing there. Deer-munched, gone. Farewell. Goodbye.
This is not highbrow stuff. Case in point, to show just a sliver of the extent that gardeners and breeders are trolls, behold a list of fabulous plants you could grow in your garden:
‘Brazen Hussy’, ‘Salamander Crossing’, ’ How Audacious’, ‘Aggressively Forward’, ’ Pink Octopus’, ‘Sassy Kooma’ , ‘Judy Judy Judy’ ‘Nymph’s Thigh, ‘Roaring Jelly’, ‘Galadriel’, ‘Hebe’s Lip, ‘Spineless Virgin’, ‘That’s My Baby’, ‘Banish Misfortune’, ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’, ‘Comic Strip’ , ‘Shall We Dance’, ‘Fuldaglut’, ‘Attack Lizard, ‘Miss Manners’, ‘Religious Radish’, ‘Komodo Dragon’, ‘Inky Fingers’, ‘Teeny-Weeny Bikini’, ‘Black Negligee’, ‘Fishnet Stockings’ (a particular favorite), ‘Fancy Knickers’, ‘Shebang’, ‘Pistachio Nightmare’, ‘Pardon Me’, ‘Hot Legs’, ‘Crepe Suzette’, ‘Alley Cat’, ‘Tiny Monster’, ‘Strip Tease’, ‘Flaming Potluck’, ‘Amethyst Squid’, ‘Ugly As Sin’, ‘Zounds’ ‘Knickknack’, ‘Shebang’, ‘I’ll Be Damned’, ‘Vertigo’, ‘Swing Shift’, ‘Tora Tora’, ‘Cheesecake’, ’ Ally Oops’, ‘Wench’, ’ Hooked Again’, ‘Hot Sketch’, ‘Humors of Whiskey’, ’ Tall Dark and Handsome’, ’ Guacamole’, ’ Alligator Shoes’, ’Banana Muffins’, ’ Big Daddy’, ’ Hanky Panky’, ‘Sexy Rexy’, ’ XXX’, ‘Pineapple Upsidedown Cake’, ‘Rich Uncle’, ’ Banned In Boston’, ’ Lies and Lipstick’, ’Royal Adolescent’, ’ Saucer Full of Secrets’, ’ Sleeping At The Wheel’, ’ Skinny Dipping’ , ’ Spacecoast Dragon Prince’,’ String Bikini’, ’ Too Darn Hot’, ’ A Little Fire Scarecrow’,’ A Little Crabby’, ’ A Moose Fishing On A Pond On Monday’, ’ You Know Who’, ‘Oh My Stars and Garters’, ’ Little Wart’, ’’Outhouse Delight’, ’ Baboon Bottom’, ’ Sassy Redhead’, ’ Swamp Thing’, ’ Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini’, ‘Evil Ways’, ’ Improved Peach Blow’, ‘Zipper Gate’.
Then there is the ultimate, oh yes, ultimate nerdy example:
And what does the bat signal mean?!
And where there’s Batman there’s a
So there you have it. Hortricultists are trolls. And flowers are awesome.
Until next time folks!
Staff Writer/The Doctor