The fifth season of Game of Thrones premieres on the twelfth and will take us through the last two published volumes of the book series. This is almost two thousand pages worth of content and if every moment and detail were to make it to the small screen, there would be enough to adapt two season of the show and we wouldn’t have to worry about it passing the most recent novel. However, even if it meant delaying the inevitable, there’s still bits of Martin’s beloved prose that we hope Game of Thrones trims from its scripts. Martin has written some great plot lines and characters, but even a Lannister doesn’t shit gold every time he sits.
1) Tyrion and the River Monsters
Where Feast for Crows covered the characters and chaos brewing in the South, A Dance for Dragons took us to Essos, a land that had previously only been explored through Danaerys’ chapters. Tyrion arrived from King’s Landing in coastal Pentos, one of the nine free cities, and makes his way east with team Aegon across the continent. Super fans will love the details of geography and history of each nation state, but should understand this too much information for the television series. However, we take particular exception to a weird bit of lore that was introduced in which crazy tribes of greyscale-infected (a sort of a fatal and communicable disease that turns the flesh hard and flakey as sheet rock) river-folk patrol some misty ruins along the Rhoyne and attack passing boats for no reason. At one point in Dance, Tyrion and the crew of the Shy Maid have a battle with these silly people, but are mostly and understandably afraid of being touched by one. We super hope Game of Thrones skips all mention of these men, and not just because only a few show-fans will probably remember that greyscale was the same disease that little Shireen Baratheon contracted when she was young, a throwaway factoid mentioned seasons ago. We like the Others and wights in small doses, because while Game of Thrones is a fantasy series, the true monsters of the show should be the characters. We don’t need anymore, especially when they’re so ridiculous.
2) Barbrey Dustin Models How to Be Spiteful
Disregarding the opinions of the Great Northern Conspirators, was there any character that fans wished would go away as much as this chick? What a bitter biddy. I’m sorry shit didn’t work out for you 20 years ago, hun, but we wanted to hear your story less than Theon did. It was a super awkward exchange between the former Barbrey Ryswell and pitiful husk formerly known as Theon Greyjoy down in the crypts of Winterfell, where she ranted about how much she hated the Starks, that turned us off the character. The short of it is that Dustin had an affair with Brandon Stark when he was both alive and betrothed to Catelyn Tully. Brandon of course died trying to save his sister Lyanna so Barbrey married Lord Dustin all who also died fighting for the Starks in Robert’s Rebellion. She plans to be actively nasty by intercepting Ned’s bones to ensure they never rest in their ancestral home. What a nice lady! Unless somehow her undying hatred of the Starks will somehow either develop into a game changing betrayal or the saga’s best feint, let’s just skip it please.
3) Quentyn Martell
Wouldn’t it be funny if this season included Quentyn Martell in the series while writing out his sister, Arienne? She wouldn’t think so, since her character was harried by her suspicion of her father’s desire to make her younger brother his heir instead of her. Let’s look at Quentyn’s character arc in Dance, the only book in which he appears. He goes to Essos to marry Dany to fulfill the terms of an alliance between the exiled Targaryens and Dorne that no one seems to know or care about. He gets to Meereen, but Dany is already promised to marry the Meereenese Hizdahr zo Loraq so she kindly tells him to go kick rocks. He decides that the way to deal with the rejection is to steal one of her dragons. Viserion burns him during the attempt and he dies. Wow. Please, save us from the boredom, HBO.
4) The Plot to Crown Myrcella
This was one of many stupid plot lines in Feast and Dance that, as the reader, we knew will crash and burn, yet we had to suffer through the hair-brained planning, the fumbling execution, and the inevitable failure. The young and excitable nobles in Dorne hatch a plot crown the eldest living Baratheon heir, Myrcella, according to Dornish law in order to goad the seven kingdoms into war as revenge for the death of Oberyn and the long dead El–know what? Doesn’t matter. It’s stupid and didn’t work out and is immediately discovered then promptly abandoned once the smarter scheme to wed Arianne to the hidden Prince Aegon is introduced to the story. With the much discussed casting of Trystane Martell, who is betrothed to Myrcella, and the decision to send Jaime Lannister to Dorne, we definitely think that this big waste of pages will make it into the show to pad the Dornish plot line and therefor increase number of the appearances of nipples on breastplates.
5) Porn Without Plot
Ok so without question, Game of Thrones has a tendency to insert lots of gratuitous sex into almost every episode. Gratuitous of course refers to scenes that offer the viewer no information other than the particular shade of a character’s nipple. Remember that long and minor arc with Podrick and his first time at a brothel? What was the purpose of that? Plus, the series for some gross reason likes to switch the depiction of some scenes to either toe the line of consent or blatantly depict rape. When the writers decide to do this, but then change nothing else about the course of the story or the characters’ relationships. Why make a clear deviation from the text in a scene if it’s not going to ever be brought up again? There is no answer besides the aim to insert gratuitous sex and violence. Do better in season five, please!
Senior Staff Correspondent