Well, it’s that time again. It’s almost March and I haven’t written an article for this month yet. Better go over another short selection of things I hate.

“Fuck 2016”

Every year. Every year, without fail, I have to sit through posts on Facebook, Reddit, Twitter, etc. all rallying around the idea that somehow, this year was the worst year of all time. “Okay no I know I say this every year. But this time for real, 2016 was the WORST. Fuck you, 2016!”

NO, FUCK YOU BRADLEY. 2016 is an artifical construct, a useful unit by which we can tell how much time has passed. It’s as arbitrary and meaningless as your corduroy jacket with the elbow patches you call your professor jacket, you irrelevant moron.

It’s not original, it’s not funny, it’s not even a good rallying cry because guess what? You’re going to say the exact same thing 12 months from now! We’re two months into 2017 and I could write an actual, full fledged, not well received novel about the horrible events from this year, but nowhere do you see “Fuck 2017!” Nah, gotta wait until you have to throw away the Thanksgiving leftovers and wrap a present for your estranged cousin who just showed back up in the family after being in a cult and we all have to pretend it’s okay. Some strange combination of holiday stress, the reminder of mortality, and the end of a time period makes people look back on that time and think “you know what, so many bad things happened this year. There’s no WAY next year will be as bad. In fact, you know what…”

“This year’s gonna be my year!”

Is it? No really, is it though? If it’s your year, how’s it gonna be my year?

Listen. Bradley. My dude. The weird importance you place on arbitrary time markers is understandable, but ultimately as useless as your “fine dining for cats” start up idea. If you didn’t make last year your year, why did you wait until it was over to try again?

And this shouldn’t be taken to discourage anyone from trying to better themselves. If you really needed something as dumb as New Year’s Eve to start losing weight, writing your novel, or quitting smoking then lemme be your Dick Clark cause I got balls to drop.

I’m just saying keep trying all the time. Go after your goals with as much fervor today as tomorrow as next week as summer as December all the way until you die. Don’t wait to go get what you want, and don’t blame the year if it doesn’t go right.

When someone disagrees with you and ends a sentence in “right?”

Me: “I don’t know man, I just didn’t like Majora’s Mask that much. It was fine, but kind of stagnant in places and the pacing was awkward.”

Them: “I mean…it had the best story, right?”
Internal me: You manipulative motherf-NO. THAT’S WHY WE’RE ARGUING.
External me: “….YOU MANIPULATI-”

If we’re in a debate about something, the purpose of which is to leave the other party with more understanding of your position and views and maybe even to convince them, the absolute WORST way you can come at me is with some “X is true though, right?” nonsense. If I thought X were true, why in Master Splinter’s name would I be actively providing evidence that it’s not?

What are you even doing? Are you trying to duck season, wabbit season my ass into agreeing with you?

You can’t Zac Efron your way into a “well okay, I guess you’re right.”

I’m just tired of making a case for something and in the middle of it, have every point we’ve both made undermined by “…buuuuut I’m right though, right? Like what you’re saying it objectively wrong and I’m just right?”

Next time I hear a sentence ended by a “right” and a condescending tone, you’re gonna catch this right hand to yer gob I swear on me mum.