Are you a writer? If you are, then you’ve probably written a book or something. Something probably pretty amazing. Or maybe really bad but hey, trust me it will get there. Hint: Kill them. It will work so much better. Or throw in knitting motifs. Everyone loves knitting. Put in both and you’re guaranteed Greatest Gen and Baby Boomer readership.

Whether if it’s ready to go or on its 5,000 edit, there is the possibility that said future award winning oeuvre is still lacking a title. And that fact is really turning into a problem. Believe me, we’ve been there. You just can’t name the thing. It bothers you, waking you up at night and while you pee. It’s painful. However, you should be relieved to know it is quite a common condition, one you should never be ashamed of. We’re here today ready to help.

How can you find the best title for your piece? Luckily there are many routes you can take for optimum shelf appeal and cash grab-ability (hotcha). Locations are always a hit, especially if you’re going for beach-house chic (e.g. Lush Lagoon). A most practical method is pulling from a key line of description (e.g. Peacock Eyelids or Civet Perfume). You can also try pulling from a piece of dialogue ( e.g. I Knew Him More Than A Reflection). For panache you could do the main character’s name plus something, an object or action relating to them in the piece (e.g. Janelle’s Swim, Bartleby’s Stethoscope, Anna’s Wooden Clogs). As always, an abstraction of what happens in the narrative

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is usually effective and intriguing (e.g. Slinky Kinky Aspirations). There’s also the route of using an obscure jazz song or movie titles that may thematically fit (e.g. Solid Potato Salad, Gone With The Febreeze). Of course no one can resist the one word heavyweight (e.g. Malformation). 

For those title-less writers in need who’d rather not think, we have done a lot of exhaustive research (like a whole…thirty minutes worth) and pulled from library circulation experience to compile a list of 100 surefire “Best Seller” book titles tailor-made for you and your work. Will it have anything to do with what you’ve written? Probably not, but man will it be snazzy looking.For those who are writers but are currently manuscript-less, don’t feel anxious that this list won’t be helpful to you, feel free to use these titles as inspiration for your own work. We want to see all of these on our library shelves.

*Disclaimer: This list is purely for comedy purposes and any book or text already in publication that carries these names, congratulations you’re amazing, brilliant and we don’t mean to besmirch your work. Our use of your work’s title is purely coincidental. Let’s get snowballs.

100 TITLES FOR YOU:

Kitten Needles

The Heir’s Hairdresser

Okay, So

Smoking During Surgery

Man Smell

Funny You Should Mention Her

Vampire’s Benediction

Call and Order Now

Whelmed

Pepper Perfect

Gates to Olive

And Then What?

Tidal Sworn

Hot Griddles

Mind The Rebellion

A Cricket Cries For Naught

Obvious Suffering

Gelatin Wobbling

I Swore Up And Down

Felled Stairs

2 Lambbs 4 Tygas

Fortuna

Malice: The Return of Ayn Rand

Hot Sauce Haughty

Paradise Lemons

Anxious Iago

Paul Newman Blue

Technobabble

Did You Just Drink That?

Sage Among Roses

The Movie Version Will Be Rated R

Marian’s Comb

Be My Editor

When Cacti Wither

Why Aren’t I Billie Piper?

Why Hasn’t Hayley Atwell Noticed Me? (The Sequel)

They Uttered Nyah

Only Orion Left

19 Lawsuits & Counting

Sempervivum

Mary Higgins Clark On The Run

Clockwork Sister and Sun

Hippolyta In Kokomo

In Another’s Agony

Nourish

Depression-Pasillo

Antigone: That Bitch Won’t Quit, And Other Greek Plays

A Wanna Hat With Cherries

They Asked Me To

I Hope You Didn’t Invest Too Much In Him

Plastic Bag Picnic

Chicken Church

Sophia Loren Would Love Me

What Lilliputian’s Wore

Vases, Spilled

Sticky Melon Water

Stop Yelling, Guy Fieri: My Summer on Food Network

I’m Dying (Not Really) And I Want To Go Home

Pineapple Weather

Like Eartha Kitt in Anna Lucasta

Playground of Justice

I’ve Chewed Too Much

Frog Chorus

Out of Avenues I’ve Been

I Saw It Somewhere (Probably Online)

Hypnos

An Affair In Progress

Soap Rings

Whatever, Ya Know?

A Book About Brunch

Grotesque Arches

I Am Gibraltar

Reading Jugend Alone

Where’s My Retcon?

The Wall Outlet

Goodbye To Cropped Front Pleat Trousers

How Do You Poop Catdog?

Something Topical

I Was A Teenage Cave Woman

Running From Britta

Cloven Hereafter

I’m All Chewed Up About It

Trash Manor

How To Find The Droids You’re Looking For: A Star Wars Self Help Book

A Blouse By Schiaparelli 

Mulliganville

Wood

Elephant Waltz

An Undercut Like Superboy’s

An Alligator Zoetrope

Here! In the Wychwoods

You Better Strip Polka

Crime Show(off)

Sounds Like 80’s Synth

June, July, and August

Patterns of Pomegranates

I Wish I Was Donna Troy

Better Bitter Than Sorry

Wings Are From Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo

Pure Local Honey

Got any titles that would be absolutely stellar? Tweet them to me at twitter at @maxlikescomics #100BookTitles!

Max Eber
Staff Writer
max@sub-cultured.com