Valentine’s Day is coming and unimaginative (I mean, ~romantic~) fools everywhere are busting out the movie love quotes
“You had me at Hello.” No thanks. That’s not necessary.
“I wish I knew how to quit you…” Really? Grow up, cowboy!
“I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.” As she pries his cold, dead hands off hers and watches him sink to the bottom of the ocean.
Those same pleas of helpless, undying, unconditional saccharine dribble we hear from the pretty people each year are meant to bring out the innocent flirt or unbridled passion in all of us, but honestly? They’re so overused that sometimes they make even the best of us throw up in our mouth a little.
Settle down, now, don’t brand me as cynical and unromantic. Okay, I’ll admit to the first but I’m certainly not unromantic. I just know we literate and loyal geek culture inhabitants can do better.
Why go to those rom-coms or tear jerkers for love quotes, when we have a world of comic books, super heroes, video games and sci-fi movies, television shows and books to provide us with a much larger pool of romantic, encouraging and inspiring commentary tailor made for your fangirl or boy paramour or pal?
Since money is getting tighter than Black Widow’s suit this year, a simple paper heart with a well-suited quote printed out or hand-written (oooh, better yet) with that perfect phrase or inside joke that says “You and I are the same kind of weird” can mean so much more than any expensive or impersonal gift. You don’t have to completely cheap out, however, attach one of these to a single rose, candy bar or action figure.
I’ll even give you some starting points. Here are some of my picks for quote-heavy sources, from the bleeding obvious to the more obscure.
Star Wars
Feel free to venture into the extended universe for more:
“Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.”
— Han Solo
“I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee. “
—Leia
“When I’m around you, my mind is no longer my own.”
— Crazy Anakin
“ My love for you is a puzzle…for which I have no answers.
— Padmé Amidala
And, let’s say the last one together:
“I love you. “
—Leia
“I know.”
— Han
(You can flip this “Empire Strikes Back” quote around with Leia responding “I know” as she did in “Return of the Jedi.”)
Superheroes
“Love should never be a secret.”
— Dr. Otto Octavius
“I cannot preach hate and warfare when I am a disciple of peace and love!”
— Wonder Woman
“I’d rather not rule the earth. I just want to marry the girl next door and live in the suburbs.”
— Captain Dynamo (This one is a great inside joke because this Image Comics character was a habitual womanizing pig)
“Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.”
— Mary Jane Watson
“Waves are but water. Wind but air. And though lightning be fire…yet it must answer thunder’s call.”
— Thor Odinson (Not technically a “love quote” but who wouldn’t want to hear this from him?)
“…love is not a constantly stable factor, it’s (a decision you’ll) have to make again and again.”
— Black Panther (great for long-term relationships)
“They were young. They were in love. They were heroes.”
— Narration about Jean Grey and Cyclops in The Uncanny X-Men #137
“Paradise unearned is but a land of shadows!”
— The Silver Surfer
“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight.”
— Green Lantern
“I should break your face for that, but that would not teach you of love.”
— Slaughterman
“When you look in her eyes and she’s looking back in yours… everything… feels… not quite normal.”
— Peter Parker (about Mary Jane)
“I’ve been bitten.”
— Peter Parker
“So have I.”
— Gwen Stacey
“Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”
— Tony Stark (to Pepper Potts)
Television Shows
“Why did you marry her?”
— Spock
“It seemed the logical thing to do at the time.”
— Sarek (Star Trek)
“You are like an angel with no wings.”
— Andy Dwyer (Parks and Recreation)
“If you prick me, do I not… leak?”
— Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
“Nice Legs… for a human”
— Worf (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
“You have that face on again… The one when you’re thinking ‘he’s hot when he’s clever.’”
— The 11th Doctor (Doctor Who)
“I love you and I like you.”
— Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt (Parks and Recreation)
“I’m going to pull time apart for you.”
—Amy Pond (Doctor Who)
“I married me a powerful ugly creature.”
— Jayne Cobb (Firefly)
“Love is Poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.”
—Cersei Lannister (Game of Thrones)
“Brainy is the new sexy.”
— Irene Adler (Sherlock)
“I may be on the side of angels, but don’t think for one second I’m one of them.”
—Sherlock Holmes (Sherlock)
“Have you ever been told you’re beautiful in flawless Russian? Get used to it.”
— Howard Wolowitz (The Big Bang Theory)
Hobbit/Lord of the Rings Trilogy
“I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world.”
— Arwin
“Love or an act of kindness that are the things that keep darkness age bay.”
— Gandalf
“Loyalty, honor, a willing heart, I can ask no more than that.”
— Thorin Oakenshield
“My precious….”
— Gollum
“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.”
— Gandalf
Video Games:
“The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.”
—Half-Life 2
“Stay frosty.”
— Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
“Wakka wakka wakka!”
—Pac-Man
“Fus-ro-dah!”
— The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
“Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye’ and you were like ‘NO WAY!’ and then I was all ‘We pretended we were going to murder you’? That was great.”
— GladDOS from Portal 2
“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and I’m all out of gum.”
—Duke Nukem
And some other random geeky treasures:
“As You Wish.”
— (Westley) The Princess Bride
“Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
— Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (interesting enough this is also Matthew 6:21)
“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.”
— Albert Einstein
“Say ‘Kiss me’.”
— Deckard (Blade Runner)
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
— Dr. Seuss
“…sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”
— Neil Gaiman (The Sandman: Fables and Reflections)
“Every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”
— Neil Gaiman (Stardust)
“Don’t Panic.”
— The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
— Douglas Adams
Hope these little snippets of nerdy love help you win your true love’s heart, share a laugh with a good friend, or keep Mom off her “you never call me” kick for another month.
Consider this my gift to you, because as George McFly said, “You are my density.”
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Newsweek did it. Amazon did it. Housewives did it. Critics did it. 
Now I guess I’m doing it.
That’s right. I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey. And by golly, I am laughing my ass off.
E. L. James’ Twilight based fan fiction turned sex novel has impacted the American reader like no other since… well, a lot of other salaciously scandalous scantily clad books before it. Try saying that three times fast.
But this one has something going for it. It is hilarious. Not intended, but really, super funny if you take all the serious moments out of context.
“Yeah, baby. Oh yeah, baby. Oh my.” – 50 Shades of Grey, probably.
Supposedly there is a plot somewhere all in all of this dribble where our titular character Anastasia Steele, a near college graduate virgin, catches the eye of the wealthy, deep, and complicated young billionaire, Christian Grey. Bella, I mean Anastasia, constantly describes Edward, I mean Christian, as an Adonis. Sound familiar? The similarities don’t end there. Anastasia also has the worst and most awkward inner monologue ever, including during sex, and trusts, by Christian’s demand, the results of Wikipedia in the matter of educating herself in “The Dark Side” of sex.
Spoiler Alert: I will read this book and I will rip this entire series apart as I go along and will give away a ton of the ending.
Deal with it.
Smut for smut’s sake, is fine. You want to read erotica? Awesome. Go for it. Check out some scandalous, like The Diaries of an Unlikely Call Girl, or Story of O, or Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. There is an annual collection of the best erotica each year compiled. Just go for it. But forcing a weird romance storyline because you had a wet dream about Twilight in between something that is super down and dirty is just strange.
Ana and Christian meet through a perfectly awkward “Oh no, my roomie on the all important College Newspaper is sick! And I, the not at all experienced in news reporting person must fill her shoes during this interview with a super high power, impossibly hard to get ahold of, benefactor of the university. OH MY!”
One more thing? Get used to the phrase, “Oh my.”
Or sometimes, “Oh shit.” There is also the occasional, “Holy crap!” And in at least one case, there is also pirate talk. I’m surprised there isn’t an, “Oh Mylanta!” involved thus far, but maybe we’re saving that for the sequel. Because every time E. L. James gets a little sexy, steamy, and scandalous flow going on, it gets ruined by Anastasia’s inner good girl monologue. Literally. Nice way to pump the brakes there, James.
Back to what passes for a plot these days. The super serious, cold, and ultra-professional Christian Grey, who is always described as an Adonis since thesauruses aren’t a thing, loves to use the word “Baby,” to address his main gal Ana in bed. “Bleep bleep I’m gonna bleep bleep you so bleep bleep… baby, yeah.”
So why am I reading this, if I find it so ridiculous?
I will read or try to read anything once just to see what the hype is about. I’ll read best sellers, advertisements, publisher information, tween romance, science fiction, fantasy, instruction manuals, recipes, cereal boxes, and how-to hints and tips. In the case of books that make a stir with the masses, I will make a point to read it – just to see if I like it or if I hate it.
Example: I cannot stand Twilight. It is badly written and takes too long to get to the point. I believe that it places precarious self esteem issues in the forefront of what seems to be an abusive or at least seriously lopsided relationship. The female protagonist, Bella Swan, has no idea of self and seeks validation through attention from distant, literally cold men. Yes, I read the whole series. And saw the first movie. And I think that Katniss wins every time because Swan Song needs to go to a women’s retreat and find herself.
About me: I’m a feminist. I don’t really judge people so long as no one is getting hurt and everyone is consensual and safe. I’m pretty open minded and after spending a few years in the Women’s Gender and Sexuality Studies department in college I have had to study and dissect a lot about people, their proclivities and tendencies.
That being said, I get concerned when “Dark Side” things go mainstream, mainly because I’ve read too many incident reports that started with “read in book/saw on TV/movie” and ended in ER visits. People who try things out without education because they are the new fad can seriously get hurt. It makes everyone look bad and places a pale on a whole community.
Here are a few tips to help get through 50 Shades of Grey a little easier. Imagine every “Oh my,” is said in George Takei’s voice, ever uttered “Holy cow!” is voiced by Bart Simpson voice, each instance of “Baby” is murmured by Barry White, and the Pirate stuff is in… well, salty sea dog. I wouldn’t suggest a shot to accompany these instances, because alcohol poisoning is a real danger.
Because after Ana, an English Classics college major, saves her virtue thus far only to lose it to Christian Grey after knowing him for less than 24 hours and wakes up in his bed, she finds him playing super sad classical piano. Oh yeah, did I mention? He flew her to his super duper mod apartment. In his helicopter.
He tells her he’s totally had a rough life and she thinks ” WOW! So complicated.”
And then for some reason there ‘s a bath scene. “OH MY! Imported jasmine bath oil for my super sore body, skin, and down there!” And yes, lets point out again that this 21-year-old English Classics college major protagonist still calls it the “DOWN THERE.” area.
Which is only trumped by referring to his penis as her very own personal “Christian Grey Flavored Popsicle.”
All I can think about is Whig in Bridesmaids making the “Hello I’m a Penis and I’m Here Face.”
She gets all super proud of herself, having just exerted some power over this curious man-creature. And then there’s a lot of sex tension during breakfast. And then, an actually somewhat well crafted description of female recipient “lady popsicle-ing” shall we say? Punctuated by – “AAAARRRGHHHH!” Thar be pirates in this sex scene.
Next time, we get into the rough stuff. “He’s TOTALLY YUMMY! OH MY! So yummy.” Thar be all for now. More to follow in the chapters to come!
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Hey, free cards!
You did it again, didn’t you?
You waited too long to get Valentine’s Day cards for your child’s class (or you just couldn’t bring yourself to spend the money on them) and now the selection at the local Target or Wal-Mart is picked over, with nothing but last year’s Ben 10 and Dora The Explorer remaining.
Don’t worry! Your day, and wallet, is about to be saved!
All of this comes with the added bonus of making your kid (and I don’t exaggerate here) about 10 million times cooler than all the rest during the annual Valentine’s shoebox-stuffing at school.
Since I am admittedly addicted to printable downloads, my daughter and I usually go surfing for the coolest cards to give to friends each year for the cost of a couple of sheets of cardstock (which I usually already have on hand) and some printer ink.
Here are the links to are couple of most awesome ones we found….yes, legally:
Star Wars
Always popular with the younglings, these free printable cards from A Grand Life include characters from both the original trilogy and more recent movies like The Last Jedi, with adorable phrases like, “You R2 Cool!” These are the Valentine’s you’re looking for.
Nightmare Before Christmas
It’s Halloween meets Christmas meets Valentine’s Day! Complete with embellishments of one of my favorite styles to doodle, the Burton Curl. Disney Family releases free printable Valentine’s cards each year, and though not all of them geek worthy, the addition of Jack and Sally is great for a little goth-lite. Other cool styles they have include Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” and The Muppets, including ANIMALLLL!!!
Kawaii Ninjas
It’s never too early to get your child into the ancient traditions of those cuddly-yet-deadly Ninjas. Joy Charde (the artist behind CreativeMamma.com) has put out a sheet of peppy little Ninjas out through Craftzine ready for both love and mortal combat. My two-year-old will be taking these to her first Valentine exchange to subtly let everyone know she’s got their backs…yet she is not to be trifled with.
Angry Birds
Love them or hate them, these little PO’ed pig-hating peeps aren’t falling out of the sky of popularity quite yet, if my daughter’s tell-tale high scores on her Nook are any indication. Confound it, she’s supposed to be READING on that thing. But I digress. Angry Birds + Valentines = instant coolness among peers, and who am I to fight this tide. FYI: These valentines are actually e-cards available via Android if you have their seasonal “Hogs and Kisses” expansion, but the examples are easily printable and ready to hand out. Gamezplay has some good images as well as several other fan sites.
Dark Horse Comics
Teenagers wanting to give their friends a Valentine’s wish without wanting to be “tooooo friendly” can use some free cards featuring characters like “Hellboy,” “Goon” and “Usagi Yojimbo” courtesy of Dark Horse Comics. These came out last year, but are still available for download…and well worth every penny.
Teen/Adult Bonus: Zombies
If what you hate most about Valentine’s Day is the saccharine nature of it, add a little brains to your sugar for several examples of printable zombie-themed cards from cartoony to gore-infested. Even those who hate the zombie craze can’t resist seeing the face on that uptight loved-one who receives a card that says “I want your brain but I’ll settle for your heart.”
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