Back again, almost done with book two of exploding dark ecstasy, overly much clothing description and tedious inner monologue. 50 Shades Darker has gotten 50 shades duller. And again, for the Johnny-come-lately’s, this is a spoilerfest of spoils. And once again, deal with it.

I am really disliking this book. To the point that I took the time to match my socks rather than read the allotted 5 chapters I set out for myself one evening.

So, Ahem:

In this edition of “Ana really needs get some hobbies other than sex with this rich dude,” we come back from rich playboy land and are ensconced  in the world drama with the ex. Ghost Girl, Christian’s ex, goes even more super cray-cray. As in, “Imma sneak into your house and wave a gun about the place” kind of crazy.

Instead of being a rational human being and realizing that Grey’s method of diffusing the situation is switching over to Dom status with his former Sub and MAKING her drop the gun, kneel on ground, and give up the power to kill the whole group, Ana freaks.

She gets outside with friend Ethan (her roomie’s hot brother. Who cares.) goes for some coffee (what the shit?) and panics because she thinks that, you know, THINGS like sex might be happening.

Hey Ana? Chill a bit, right?

Ok. Let’s go over this.

• You get saved by your man who only has to say the word.
• You get to leave room with crazy lady with gun.
• He stays, to ensure she doesn’t come after you.
• The man has proposed to you  [I’ll get to that later].

Despite all of these things, all Ana can think about is what Christian might still see in her, what it is that she doesn’t have that crazy lady has. Which is probably just a closet full of sex driven crazy pants. And again, rather than be relieved that she is alive, she panics about whether or not her dude might be having sex with his ex. Who was just waving a gun at them.

Oh Ana, you don’t know what you do to me.

What Ana does to me is make me realize that I never, ever, ever, want to be THAT insecure. This whole book is about Ana and her insecurities. There is a little sex, sure. It is about the same, tearing this, unzipping those, entering that, gasping blah blah blah darkness. But ultimately, it ends up being about Ana being a super jealous loser who whines a lot and obsesses like a 13-year-old over Grey’s exes.

And, like a lame, she loses her mind while he fingers her in an elevator with other folks around. Kinky, maybe. Inconsiderate, yes.

Girl. Please.

She visits Christian’s therapist, who says she has made more progress than anyone has. He tells her all about why he likes brunettes. The Family loves her. Christian says, “Move in with me.” Everyone can see how in love they are [ew]. He tells her every other page how amazing she is, that she has changed his life, he’s never wanted anyone but her. He wants to marry her, after what, two months?

Also: Grey has an Oedipus complex. Whoa!!!! Yeah, totally saw that coming.

I would love to feign surprise, but that was coming about 50 miles off. Huh, millionaire sex-god doesn’t like to be touched and all his problems and sex stuff leads back to his childhood. With “the crack whore,” his mother. Please Mr. Grey, tell me more about those things that I never suspected from you. What’s that?  The girls all kind of look like your mom? Oh really? That must be so hot for you.

Neither one of them has ever had a relationship. No, really.

If he could have his way, Ana, you wouldn’t work. You’d just live in the rich home he bought for you, make some babies and have sex whenever. And deal with his craptastic pick up lines. Ana, your relationship is based on the “most amazing sex in the world” and little else. And that’s fine for plenty of folks, but girl, you need some self esteem if you’re going to toss your whole life on the horse shoe game of some guy’s penis. Just saying.

Honey, you’d never had sex before. And that’s great that he’s attentive and daring. But please, really? He’s a big weirdo and you are super boring and easily controlled. Go read some Tom Hardy and drink a cup of tea while staring out a window.

No, Scratch that, I’m doing that.  You can’t have it.

If you do, Oh Ana, I’ll “Oh jeez, WoW, holy cow, Oh Gosh, Ecstasy, release, Oh something something” your shit up. I’m warning you.

Next time on, I Can’t Believe I’m Still Reading This:

Ana’s Hen Party and Grey’s Stag-Do collide in glorious, amazing, coquettish oh god whatever. Just get pregnant already. Because what I’ve always wanted to read about in graphic detail is how morning sickness does not jive with sex in the breakfast nook.

Shit.

More to follow with part four – 50 Shades Darker, Or How to Make Actual Sex Acts Seem Mundane
Wanna know how this all started? Our first read through of 50 Shades of Grey