Super Old, Male, Middle Earth
I have many names including Saruman the White and Wise, Curunír, and more recently, Sharkey. Looking for a major hottie and majordomo to help build and run my empire. Ideologically open-minded is a plus, but servitude to myself and by extension the High Lord Sauron is an A-plus.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I am real estate and industrial tycoon with beautiful riverside property along the Isen with access to the scenic trails of Fangorn Forrest. At one time I was a lover of nature and enjoyed attending Entmoot Con, but lately my interest have swayed more toward running real-time strategy games and gem and jewelry collecting.
I’m Really Good At:
I’m a people person and a leader. For centuries I was chair of my local wizard chapter before I parted ways with the organization to pursue my own personal projects. I still like to check in with old friends from time to time over the old palantir. Call me a hipster, but I’ll choose the ancient dark arts to stay in touch with pals over Facebook every time. I’ve also recently developed an interest in genetic engineering, particularly through the developments of hybrid species.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
I’m a huge music fan. Top of the playlist right now:
My favorite character of all time is Fredo Corleone, but I’ve also been binge watching Vicious on the BBC.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
I won’t be playing second fiddle to Sauron for long! But more private, I’ve always secretly found the stink of Orc-Flesh rather enticing.
You Should Message Me If:
Due to some recent flooding in my area and some altercations with neighbors, I’m looking to make a big move West. I’m considering pulling a Trump by transforming my nose for business into political gold and running for a local office. If you’re located in or around the Shire, drop me a message!
What a catch! What other characters are you dying to make a love connection with? Check out our other profiles here!
25% Match | 75% Enemy
70, Male?, Point Pleasant, WV
MY SELF SUMMARY:
What am I doing with my life:
SHRIEKAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNYANG, SHREEEEEEEEMA, OMNAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(tapping into phone lines, guessing games, destroying bridges)
I’m really good at:
(tapping into phone lines, harassing horny teenagers in woods, guessing games, destroying bridges)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
(likes soft lips, rotary phones, sinks, Ordnance Works, Debra Messing, mothman digest, open windows, silos, porch lights, chapstick,
(soft lips, rotary phones, open windows,
porch lights, chapstick, Debra Messing)
3rd of the Endless, Changeable, The Dreaming
I am Morpheus, Dream of the Endless and Lord L’Zoril. We have met. Perhaps when we did you named me Lord of Stories, The Sandman, Wesley Dodds or interim master of Hell. No matter. You have known me intimately, if only from a certain point of view. Welcome.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I have many responsibilities and little time or interest in enumerating them to you. My realm is infinite and my service is endless.
You’ll have to excuse my brother, though I never will. Let me warn you, admirer, that he is stuffy, stupid, and thinks he knows everything, and there’s just something about him that gets on my nerves. But step forward, any being who thinks that they can distract the Lord of Naps from his work, and I shall make him want you.
I’m Really Good At:
An inane question. I am and do what I am. I am “good” at no more than is my responsibility.
Hi There! We most likely don’t know each other! I’m Death.
Nice of you to drop by my little brother’s profile (full disclosure: I made him make one). He just gets so wrapped up in work sometimes that it’s like he forgets that he’s a multi-aspected personification of unreality with real needs. He’s very well spoken, loves stories and travel, and is one of the most creative people that I’ve ever met after maybe my sister, Delirium. Plus, if you’re into that whole tall, dark, and brooding thing, you probably couldn’t find anyone more that type.
Oh, due to a few uh…sort of bad endings to some of his past relationships, don’t message if you’re a mortal from any galaxy, plane, or sentient form of matter. It just wouldn’t work out between you and Morpheus, even though I’m sure that you’re very nice. By the way, if you are mortal then I’ll be seeing you :)
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:
All inspiration comes from The Dreaming, which is of course, myself. Therefore all art that is made or never made springs from my realm. How then could I select one from of many?
Though I do suppose I enjoy some of the work, both written and never to be written, of a dreamer whom I took great care to inspire called Neil Gaiman. Even if fully appreciating several of his more allusive works requires far too much time cross-referencing in Lucien’s Library.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:
You Should Message Me If:
Um yeah, It’s Death again. Morpheus needs a moment. He’s very in touch with him emotions, which is great if you’re looking for a really committed and deep relationship, don’t you think? So don’t let the downpour turn you off. He’s also got a castle!
Quite the catch is our Lord of Dreaming. Be warned, he’s not into long distance relationships, so if you’re not ready to move in he may just toss you in a cage in hell for just under 10,00o years…
Like the perfect wine and cheese, the strudel with le crème, or the beer with another beer, watching the right two movies back to back can bring out the finer, subtler qualities in both. That’s why I’ve assembled a list of my personal suggestions for possible double-feature nights. For the sake of variety (and because I like to challenge myself) I chose to avoid using direct sequels or deliver a double dose of a writer/director in the same pairing.
Get Down! Get Down Again! The Running Man (1987) / Total Recall (1990)
I avoided pairing movies with the same writers, directors, or lead actors…with this one exception, because I for a time was not sure which movie was which. Yeah, Arnold’s action movies are all chock full of one liners, explosions, “babes” of the day, and silly villains with sillier deaths, but these two both throw Schwarzenegger into man on the run situations so similar and satisfying it really is hard to know where one stops and the other begins.
Which to Watch First? The Running Man has some of the most groan worthy one-liners you will ever hear, like when Maria Conchita Alonso asks Arnold what happened to Buzzsaw, who was just previously bisected with a chain saw, Arnold replies “he had to split” and his fight with hockey-themed stalker named Sub-Zero is a standout. Total Recall, for all its 90’s tropes, is still a Paul Verhoven film and has more to it than the simple exterior suggests. The action matches the fun of Running Man and is guilty of its own terrible lines, but getting those laughs out of the way can help you appreciate the solid qualities in Total Recall. The ambiguity on reality, alone gives it points for giving its audience some thinking room. The Running Man
Even in the Future Nothing Works! – The Fifth Element (1997) / Serenity (2005)
These two are an obvious match. They’re both futuristic, space-based, sci-fi action movies with large, ineffective governments clashing with the little guy and except for only one having aliens, both Besson’s and Whedon’s future visions are very culturally diverse. The stories differ but the archetypes are familiar. I could see Korben and Mal getting a drink while Shepherd Book and Father Cornelius discussed scripture, and River and Leeloo finger-painted or beat up tough guys or did whatever two crazy super powered girls would do.
Which to Watch First? I recommend beginning The Fifth Element, and after all the colorful fun, ‘splosions and 90’s end credits music you can jump straight into Serenity’s dustier adventure through the not so shiny future. Elements of Serenity hit a bit harder as well, so best to save those for last. The Fifth Element
Huzzah for 80’s Fantasy! – The Dark Crystal (1982) / Legend (1985)
It is hard to think of many quality live actions fantasy films from the pre-CG era, but these two always to come to mind first. Unlike more memorable fantasy movies in recent history, both of these movies were original stores and not adaptations from source material. The Dark Crystal highlights Brian Froud’s notable creativity and we are lucky that Jim Henson was there to bring these creations to the screen, and amazingly do so practically. Legend uses a classic stable of fantasy creatures such as goblins, unicorns, witches, and Tim Curry but through the use of academy award worthy makeup and prosthetic effects that make them more than stock creatures.
Which to Watch First? Ironically Legend is the decidedly darker of the two movies, and I feel the opening music and narration of The Dark Crystal is a good gateway. Finishing with Legend’s theatrical ending and original closing song by “Tangerine Dream” is more satisfying that Crystal’s successful but strangely somber ending. The Dark Crystal
You’re not Claustrophobic, Are You? – Alien (1979) / The Descent (2005)
After watching these two back to back, you’ll probably want to roll around in a sunny field full of daisies, because anything darker or more confined will give you waking nightmares. While the subsequent films in the Alien franchise are all action heavy, our first introduction to Ripley and the Xenomorph is a tense, ominous, horror movie: seven crew members and a killer alien trapped on cavernous space ship where “no one can hear you scream.” The Descent is one of the best horror films released in the thousands and traps our leads in a literal cave full of hungry mutated humanoids. The jump scares are typical but predominantly very effective making this a fun one to watch with an audience, but the mental instability of lead Sarah and claustrophobic scenes of spelunking are the most riveting.
Which to Watch First? Starting with Alien will give you an intentionally slow crawl into this pairing, and more enjoyable character time before shit hits the fan. The melancholic ending will transition well to the jolting start of The Descent and again I will recommend the original UK ending, as it is unquestionably better and may even make you rethink the ending of Alien. Alien
Video Games and Real Life Had Twins! – Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) / Wreck-it Ralph (2012)
These two love letters to video games and arcade nostalgia pair well because they are two answers to the same question. Scott Pilgrim starts off with an 8-bit Universal title and introduces video game elements into the real world of Toronto, and Ralph puts us a world of video games that functions just like real life (sort of). You’ll have to decide if you’d rather have life like a video game or a video game like life, but if The Sims start playing me I’m going to be worried.
Which to Watch First? Another case in which I will leave it to your taste. I would watch the family film first, and then the one made for grown-ups but they’re similar in tone, pace, and length to not make much difference. Though SP has better music. What you should actually watch first is “Raiders of the Lost Arcade” segment from “Futurama.”
Band On the Road – The Blues Brothers (1980) / O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
Twenty years apart in the making, and over forty in the setting these two films are incredibly different stylistically, but both have a group of musical criminals (or criminally inclined musicians) on the quest for charity and redemption, evading the law and various other colorful enemies they meet along the way. Neither are traditional musicals, but both are driven by a vast array of diegetic performances evocative of the locales the bands go through. They have very different senses of humor, which is why you won’t find Animal House paired with Fargo on this list, but these two form a pair of fun musical episodic adventures.
Which to Watch First? Here I’m really going to say it comes down to taste. Blues Brothers is the more farcical comedy with an upbeat soundtrack and O Brother is a retelling of “The Odyssey” through the music of the Depression-era American South. I’d prefer starting with Blues Brothers, but that’s just me. Tie
Creature Features with Likeable Bait – Jaws (1975) / Lake Placid (1999)
I’m not a huge fan of the run of the mill giant thing wants to eat you type creature features, but Jaws is the oft imitated, never duplicated template that set the bar for the whole genre. One reason Jaws still holds up, while most others do not, is that the human characters and the creature feel like equals and do not overshadow the other. Of course the shark is the anti-hero of the movie, getting his own POV kills before we even meet our full cast but by the time Brody, Quint, and Hoop-ah! set out to get him we know we’re in for a fight. It’s like Rocky II. Lake Placid plays out more like Home Alone 2, if Kevin was played by Bill Pullman, Brendan Gleeson, Oliver Platt, and Bridget Fonda, and the burglars and hotel staff were a giant alligator. And Betty White is the pigeon lady. That cast alone elevates a surprisingly clever script of what I think is an underappreciated, solid creature feature.
Which to Watch First? It’ll be interesting either way, but seeing Jaws begin so many clichés for its genre and then seeing the next generation’s homage garners more appreciation for the tropes than rehashing them because they ought to. You also don’t want to go backwards from the impressive animatronic and CG alligator to the barely functional Bruce. Jaws
The Black and White of Neo Noir – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) / Brick (2006)
Tonally these movies could not be more different, but they have their roots in similar pulp, noir, detective material and are both revolve around a murder mystery. They are also both products of a sole writer/director on the project, and I find movies like that tend make more of an impression; in this case KKBB and Brick show how differently Shane Black and Rian Johnson can interpret similar source material, while pulling fantastic performances from Robert Downey, Jr. and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Which to Watch First? Brick. No question that while Brick is a heavy, gritty movie, you will rather take a walk through those grimy streets first to wind up at a Hollywood party with gay Val Kilmer than the other way around. Brick
Pleasing Your Eye Holes – The Fall (2006) / Pan’s Labyrinth/“El Laberinto del Fauno” (2006)
Guillermo del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth is the more well known of these two, and even though they came out the same year and had many similarities, Tarsem Singh’s The Fall remains largely unknown to people who aren’t Lee Pace fangirls. Both of these films use the imaginations of young, traumatized girls as gateways to strikingly visual fantasy worlds. Putting these two films from foreign auteurs together is like matching The Wizard of Oz with Alice in Wonderland with more whimsy in the setting than the words.
Which to Watch First? Most people have already seen Pan’s Labyrinth and even though it is subtitled, while The Fall is in English, del Toro’s narrative is easier to follow and the world is more instantly engrossing. Pan’s Labyrinth / El Laberinto del Fauno
Non-American Love for American Action Movies – Hot Fuzz (2007) / Seven Psychopaths (2012)
It can be said that if you’ve seen one action movie you’ve seen them all, but that’s because for a lot of movie buffs they literally have. I wouldn’t call either of these movies parodies but Edgar Wright’s Hot Fuzz and Martin McDonagh’s Seven Psychopaths have a lot of laughs and fun with honest appreciation for all the good and bad action movies so influential to their careers. Hot Fuzz calls out its targets by name and is an Easter egg hunt of direct references, while Psychopaths is a more meta deconstruction of the genre and the writing process, but still with lots and lots of violence. To quote Sam Rockwell’s character, “Life-affirming, schmife-affirming. It’s called Seven fucking Psychopaths!”
Which to Watch First? Seven Psychopaths’ opening scene comparing the deaths of movie mobsters with real mobsters, delivered by Michael Pitt and Michael Stuhlbarg of Boardwalk Empire (a show about mobsters), so quickly sets the course for this movie’s take on reality that I was on board from the first few lines. While not as dark as McDonagh’s previous film, In Bruges, Psychopaths is big on the death, but the critiques it makes on the genre will be appreciated when revisited in the overall funnier Hot Fuzz. Seven Psychopaths
It is possible that, today, you are single. It is possible that you are single and you are sick and tired of seeing hearts and flowers and naked babies with bows and arrows and all that shit. It is possible that you are single and you are sick and tired of this holiday existing largely to sap people of money and convince you that you are a worthless lump of human flesh if you don’t have someone to love.
But folks, it could be worse.
You could be in love.
In very, very true, real love.
In something being written by Joss Whedon.
In case you need a reminder of that fact, here are some memorable moments that Joss Whedon provided to teach us that love is doomed and the world is awful.
BUFFY AND ANGEL:
Buffy herself put it all into perspective in the series finale when she poses this question to her vampire ex-boyfriend: “What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?”
It was the human girl/vampire boy trope BEFORE it became all cool and mainstream and “he’s not abusive he’s just protective and YOU JUST HATE TRUE LOVE!” And in this case, things did not work out so well. A short list of things that doomed their romance:
- Buffy is a Slayer, Angel is a vampire or “slayee”
- Angel once lost his soul and tried to kill Buffy and end the world
- Buffy sent Angel to hell to save the world
- Angel broke up with Buffy “for her own good”
- Buffy couldn’t deal with Angel being jealous of her new guy, Riley Finn, who didn’t deserve her anyway
- Buffy: The Vampire Slayer moved to UPN while Angel: The Series stayed on The WB so GOODBYE CROSSOVERS.
- Comic spoiler: after Buffy and Angel fucked to create a new world, Angel got possessed by that world (I think) and killed Giles. I mean, the Giles killing is the important part, please don’t ask me to explain the rest of the end of the Season 8 comics, please. I can’t.
The bright side: Buffy got to give her awesome “cookie dough” explanation in the final episode of Buffy, which I think we need to re-enforce these days.
ZOE AND WASH:
The most adorable married couple in the ‘verse, Zoe and Hoban Washburne traveled as part ofthe crew of the Serenity. She was a veteran soldier with great aim, he was a spaceship pilot who played with plastic dinosaurs, together they fought crime. Or committed crime. Whatever was called for that day.
They were happily married! When offered the choice between saving her husband and her captain, Zoe without hesitation saved Wash! Wash gushed about being married to a warrior woman! And the other million things throughout that once season of Firefly that made them awesome.
And then Joss “the bastard” Whedon killed Wash off in Serenity. Mid-sentence. He was a leaf on the wind, watch HOW HE DIES.
TOPHER AND BENNETT:
Hey, guess what science nerds? You’re almost going to get together!
And then one of you gets shot in the head!
KITTY PRYDE AND PIOTR RASPUTIN:
Joss Whedon trolled the comics world when he took over writing duties for Astonishing X-Men. He led people on to think he was resurrecting the recently killed-off-yes-AGAIN Jean Grey. Instead, he brought back Colossus, who quickly rekindled his romance with Kitty Pryde. And I mean, seriously rekindled in the “Kitty phases through the bed and floor naked at one point” sense.
(EDIT: I have seen at least one request for a link to the panels depicting this phasing incident. Here you go.)
Wait, what’s THIS? Joss Whedon bringing someone back from the dead to put them INTO a relationship? Too good to be true?
Because in his final story arc, Unstoppable, Joss Whedon wrote Kitty Pryde saving the Earth by using her powers to phase a giant alien bullet right through the planet. And because of the properties of the alien metal, Kitty ended up fusing herself into the interior of the bullet.
Oh, she’s not technically dead, but she’s FUSED INSIDE AN ALIEN BULLET THAT CANNOT BE STOPPED.
FUCK YOU, JOSS WHEDON.
So, remember: sometimes being single isn’t such a bad thing. Sometimes, being single can SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.
Valentine’s Day is coming and unimaginative (I mean, ~romantic~) fools everywhere are busting out the movie love quotes
“You had me at Hello.” No thanks. That’s not necessary.
“I wish I knew how to quit you…” Really? Grow up, cowboy!
“I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.” As she pries his cold, dead hands off hers and watches him sink to the bottom of the ocean.
Those same pleas of helpless, undying, unconditional saccharine dribble we hear from the pretty people each year are meant to bring out the innocent flirt or unbridled passion in all of us, but honestly? They’re so overused that sometimes they make even the best of us throw up in our mouth a little.
Settle down, now, don’t brand me as cynical and unromantic. Okay, I’ll admit to the first but I’m certainly not unromantic. I just know we literate and loyal geek culture inhabitants can do better.
Why go to those rom-coms or tear jerkers for love quotes, when we have a world of comic books, super heroes, video games and sci-fi movies, television shows and books to provide us with a much larger pool of romantic, encouraging and inspiring commentary tailor made for your fangirl or boy paramour or pal?
Since money is getting tighter than Black Widow’s suit this year, a simple paper heart with a well-suited quote printed out or hand-written (oooh, better yet) with that perfect phrase or inside joke that says “You and I are the same kind of weird” can mean so much more than any expensive or impersonal gift. You don’t have to completely cheap out, however, attach one of these to a single rose, candy bar or action figure.
I’ll even give you some starting points. Here are some of my picks for quote-heavy sources, from the bleeding obvious to the more obscure.
Feel free to venture into the extended universe for more:
“Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.”
— Han Solo
“I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee. “
“When I’m around you, my mind is no longer my own.”
— Crazy Anakin
“ My love for you is a puzzle…for which I have no answers.
— Padmé Amidala
And, let’s say the last one together:
“I love you. “
(You can flip this “Empire Strikes Back” quote around with Leia responding “I know” as she did in “Return of the Jedi.”)
“Love should never be a secret.”
— Dr. Otto Octavius
“I cannot preach hate and warfare when I am a disciple of peace and love!”
— Wonder Woman
“I’d rather not rule the earth. I just want to marry the girl next door and live in the suburbs.”
— Captain Dynamo (This one is a great inside joke because this Image Comics character was a habitual womanizing pig)
“Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.”
— Mary Jane Watson
“Waves are but water. Wind but air. And though lightning be fire…yet it must answer thunder’s call.”
— Thor Odinson (Not technically a “love quote” but who wouldn’t want to hear this from him?)
“…love is not a constantly stable factor, it’s (a decision you’ll) have to make again and again.”
— Black Panther (great for long-term relationships)
“They were young. They were in love. They were heroes.”
— Narration about Jean Grey and Cyclops in The Uncanny X-Men #137
“Paradise unearned is but a land of shadows!”
— The Silver Surfer
“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight.”
— Green Lantern
“I should break your face for that, but that would not teach you of love.”
“When you look in her eyes and she’s looking back in yours… everything… feels… not quite normal.”
— Peter Parker (about Mary Jane)
“I’ve been bitten.”
— Peter Parker
“So have I.”
— Gwen Stacey
“Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”
— Tony Stark (to Pepper Potts)
“Why did you marry her?”
“It seemed the logical thing to do at the time.”
— Sarek (Star Trek)
“You are like an angel with no wings.”
— Andy Dwyer (Parks and Recreation)
“If you prick me, do I not… leak?”
— Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
“Nice Legs… for a human”
— Worf (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
“You have that face on again… The one when you’re thinking ‘he’s hot when he’s clever.’”
— The 11th Doctor (Doctor Who)
“I love you and I like you.”
— Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt (Parks and Recreation)
“I’m going to pull time apart for you.”
—Amy Pond (Doctor Who)
“I married me a powerful ugly creature.”
— Jayne Cobb (Firefly)
“Love is Poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.”
—Cersei Lannister (Game of Thrones)
“Brainy is the new sexy.”
— Irene Adler (Sherlock)
“I may be on the side of angels, but don’t think for one second I’m one of them.”
—Sherlock Holmes (Sherlock)
“Have you ever been told you’re beautiful in flawless Russian? Get used to it.”
— Howard Wolowitz (The Big Bang Theory)
Hobbit/Lord of the Rings Trilogy
“I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world.”
“Love or an act of kindness that are the things that keep darkness age bay.”
“Loyalty, honor, a willing heart, I can ask no more than that.”
— Thorin Oakenshield
“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.”
“The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.”
— Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
“Wakka wakka wakka!”
— The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
“Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye’ and you were like ‘NO WAY!’ and then I was all ‘We pretended we were going to murder you’? That was great.”
— GladDOS from Portal 2
“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and I’m all out of gum.”
And some other random geeky treasures:
“As You Wish.”
— (Westley) The Princess Bride
“Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
— Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (interesting enough this is also Matthew 6:21)
“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.”
— Albert Einstein
“Say ‘Kiss me’.”
— Deckard (Blade Runner)
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
— Dr. Seuss
“…sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”
— Neil Gaiman (The Sandman: Fables and Reflections)
“Every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”
— Neil Gaiman (Stardust)
— The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
— Douglas Adams
Hope these little snippets of nerdy love help you win your true love’s heart, share a laugh with a good friend, or keep Mom off her “you never call me” kick for another month.
Consider this my gift to you, because as George McFly said, “You are my density.”