Is this you?

–  Finding yourself having only average likes and dislikes

– Find your conversation skills to be flat and dull or without certain zip and vigor

– Have less than adequate passion  and neuroticism in your life,

– Overall, actually pleasantly happy.

Well if you read those bullets and think ” Well, that is just so me”, I must tell you about the revolutionary thing guaranteed to bring both zip and vigor to your conversations, extraordinary likes and dislikes and vocal opinions for both, as well as multitudes of passion and neuroticism and finally; emotional devastation. And you must wonder “What in the world could bring me all such things into my life?” Well, let me introduce you to the thing that will surely bring all those changes and more: obsessions. Yes obsessions. The miraculous time eating, soul crushing phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. And guess what; YOU can have one too.

The Girl Stood Motionless, Subdued By It
by George du Maurier aka tumblr circa 1874

And you may ask ” How do I get an obsession?” Well, let me tell you, it is easy and can be achieved in just a few simple steps, of which I am gladly able to instruct. In just a short amount of time you will be surely loosing sleep and bothering everyone in your life with your newfound zeal.

THE FIRST STEP TO GETTING AN OBSESSION:

Flirt with the idea of an interest. Take any ordinary interest, and coyly flirt with it; ” Yes it would be nice to try that sometime,” or yes I would like to kiss that person and take off their pants; and then promptly not partake in it. These days it is amazingly easy to pick a particular interest in which to build a flirtation with; the wonderful television box and it’s quality programing now more than ever presents a buffet of things to eye but never taste. One could also flip through celebrity and popular media magazines to glance over pictures of the stars in their heavenly spheres in Hollywood and on the red carpet to scope out the faces or current news but remember, do not partake in the actual magazine, but rather find the right editorial picture that will seer itself in the back of your mind and once you do, close it immediately. Illustrated comics and novels of course are notoriously easy subjects in which to do this method. Watching motion pictures can provide the same effect, casually choose your film according to aesthetic, director, a particular actor that you have heard amazing things about, take into account all these things that you would like to watch but again never do and let the idea fester for a good while. If it is apple growing you wish to partake in, then eat an apple, and get to know the available varieties, but never make an effort to actually go buy an apple tree.

Continue your denial of actually wanting to try until you are about to burst, making the object of your affection be forced, due to your stubbornness, to take a more active role in wooing you and once substantial effort and media exposure has driven you absolutely mad with longing, allow them to fully seduce you. Which leads to the second step:

INTENSE INDULGENCE, RESEARCH AND PURCHASES

After finally allowing your chosen obsession to successfully woo you after a prolonged period of coquettish toying, you must no matter what it is, research anything and everything about your chosen sweetheart (bless those that choose multiple). This entails using the world wide web, looking up photo collections, encyclopedia like entries that share every drop of information you can muster. Filmography, back issues, trivia.. each and every video. You must indulge in your new lover and consume all the associated media you can get related to them. Television shows both of the real and of the animated variety are easy lovers that way; the sums of their entire parts often found lumped together in easily assessable disks for your viewing machines for a fair price. Or if  money is an issue, one can easily assume the role of pirate and pillage stockpiles hidden among the web to find your desired riches. It is advisable to join a social forums and clubs like tumblr where you can connect with others who revel in your newfound similar tastes.  Once you have become increasingly immersed in your chosen poison, you must of course, and this is important the third step:

LET IT CONTROL AND PROFOUNDLY CONTROL YOUR LIFE

If one chooses to become an aficionado of an object, craft or trade in particular you must make it painfully obvious that you expend a great deal of time doing this craft and show off the rewards of your labor at any cost. Bragging is encouraged and slip your new found hobbies into conversation; ” I am so sorry your mother died; I breed roses and rare exotic birds.”

He sat by Claudia’s side in mute despair, indeed, she just finished the entire series and doesn’t know what to do with her life it’s dreadful. Margaret thought they heard them say “shipping” picture from Victorianweb.org

Victorian Web

If your chosen obsession is of the media kind, you must let the narratives, the writing and the characters deeply affect you now as if they were actual people, and if they are real people you must treat them as if they were wonderfully crafted fiction sent to destroy your happiness, because that is of course the aim. You must call your friends sobbing, dry heaving and wretching when great tragedy occurs in story or something occurs or if an actor actually breathed in an interview. The more you sound like a five year old the better you are doing and if you find yourself still too composed, you must work harder at letting the material and persons of your desire cause even more damage. Start writing incredibly dirty prose and artworks of your particular favorites if you are so inclined. Many do, and the more you fear for older family members viewing your work the more it is all actually working. That is a sure sign the whole process is moving along quite well. When you are fine tuned to your obsession you will be able to seek others out in a crowd easily that you think or feel may share the same passions and thus you must instantly befriend them; as in shout and battle to the death as they cannot possibly survive. Your sleep, should even its already degraded state should worsen even more. You must now also, mimicking the frenzy of your research, now go in the journey to purchase all and every piece of merchandise or variety of thing your wallet can muster and after that you may have to resort to stealing or trading. Vintage clothing, every variety of apple bred before 1900, books and cards, stamps and marbles. Every album, every figurine and body pillow. Every Middle-Eastern breed of fancy pigeon. It must be yours.

Once you find yourself in this position, have done perhaps some if not all of the above,  and have possibly died in the process then exhale deeply (if you can), for you have firmly, utterly have become obsessed with something.

May god help you.

Max Eber
Staff Writer/The Doctor
max@ihogeek.com
Twitter: @maxlikescomics