Obligatory recap: I am reading through the 50 Shades series. We are currently on the final book, 50 Shades Freed. You can check out my past reviews,

Okay. You know you were thinking it. I was thinking it. We were all thinking it.

When is Christian Grey going to break out the world’s smallest pity party piano again?

It has been almost two books and there hasn’t been an “I’m so sad and deep” piano moment, aside from the one that just turned into piano sex. I don’t know about you guys, but I couldn’t play “Chopsticks” for a week.

We are keyed up (no pun intended) for the latest installment of “Christian Grey’s Super Specific Sad Piano Mix,” and this time it is a piece from Chopin called Suffocation. Uuuuugh, the hipster Grey says, you’ve probably never heard of it. Uuuhhhhhhhh. Sigh.

Grey is back to the nightmare sequences and is feeling super sad for himself. Instead of working through his problems, the only way he can feel better is through, you guessed it, Ana’s pants.

But, GASP! She decides to invoke the safe word on him. And he is so shook up. And so freaked out. And man, he just wants to play some piano. A lot.

But hey, you know what? Nothing fixes a bad day of disobedient wives, safe words, your wife’s ex boss trying to kidnap her (Yeah, that almost happened. But then it TOTALLY DIDN’T.) like just flying to Aspen on a jet.

I’m sorry, what? Rich people hobbies? Bourgeoisie Sports? Yup.

But wait, there is more!!!!

A link to Detroit! Our very own Christian Grey was not born in Seattle (gasp!) he’s from the roughened city of Detroit! And so is the would-be kidnapper! Eeeek! Scandal.

WHAT IF, ERMAGERD, GREY IS THE KIDNAPPER? (Scratch that, right out.)

What if the kidnapper is GREY’S BROTHER? (Sorry, had to steal the plot twist from Dexter.)

What if it’s all a super secret plot for a an awesome yet belated surprise party?!! (Ok, no. That would never happen.)

None of it makes any sense.

But hey, neither does this book.

Conjecture abounds.

Check out where this project began with our first read through of 50 Shades of Grey!