For my friends who know me in person, they know I am a big horticulture enthusiast. A plant and garden nerd so to speak.  Yes. That’s actually a thing. It’s a really long story. Luckily gardening and sustainability and munching on farm fresh food is catching on with my fellow twenty-somethings so these days I no longer feel like the only one under sixty getting in a tizzy over evergreen shrubs and heirloom melons. But, this week I wanted to divulge a  secret about the horticulture world you may not actually know. Gardeners, are nerds. Completely. Utterly. And not just in the sense of being a fanatic; horticulturists are trolls. Giant. Trolls.  How? For those who think gardening means plants with very serious and frou-frou names, well you’re only partially right. The truth is, a lot of plant breeders and nurseries that introduce them just don’t give a fuck. Trolls. For every rose named ‘Madame Victor Verdier’ you have a rose named ‘Tipsy Imperial Concubine’.

Tipsy.

Imperial.

Concubine.

I am not joking.

It looks like this. From gardenweb.

And that is only a vintage example from the 1800s.

Since then we’ve have had horticulturists and breeders introduce into the world plant cultivar with names like ‘Hamburger Phoenix’ ,  ‘Cheddar Supreme’, and’ Crotchless Panties’. Serious!

Daylily ‘Crotchless Panties’ from allthingsplants.

In fact, there are particular flower breeders that are the most troll-tastic; daylilies, rose, iris and hosta breeders really could care less. They give absolutely no fucks. Zero. None. Nothing at the bottom of the barrel. You could dig for ages, you just won’t find one. Nope. Nothing there. Deer-munched, gone. Farewell. Goodbye.

This is not highbrow stuff. Case in point, to show just a sliver of the extent that gardeners and breeders are trolls, behold a list of fabulous plants you could grow in your garden:

‘Brazen Hussy’, ‘Salamander Crossing’,  ’ How Audacious’, ‘Aggressively Forward’,  ’ Pink Octopus’, ‘Sassy Kooma’ ,  ‘Judy Judy Judy’            ‘Nymph’s Thigh, ‘Roaring Jelly’, ‘Galadriel’, ‘Hebe’s Lip, ‘Spineless Virgin’, ‘That’s My Baby’,  ‘Banish Misfortune’, ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’,     ‘Comic Strip’ , ‘Shall We Dance’, ‘Fuldaglut’, ‘Attack Lizard, ‘Miss Manners’, ‘Religious Radish’, ‘Komodo Dragon’, ‘Inky Fingers’,            ‘Teeny-Weeny Bikini’, ‘Black Negligee’, ‘Fishnet Stockings’ (a particular favorite),  ‘Fancy Knickers’, ‘Shebang’, ‘Pistachio Nightmare’,  ‘Pardon Me’, ‘Hot Legs’, ‘Crepe Suzette’, ‘Alley Cat’, ‘Tiny Monster’, ‘Strip Tease’, ‘Flaming Potluck’, ‘Amethyst Squid’, ‘Ugly As Sin’, ‘Zounds’              ‘Knickknack’,  ‘Shebang’, ‘I’ll Be Damned’, ‘Vertigo’, ‘Swing Shift’, ‘Tora Tora’, ‘Cheesecake’, ’ Ally Oops’, ‘Wench’, ’ Hooked Again’,         ‘Hot Sketch’, ‘Humors of Whiskey’, ’ Tall Dark and Handsome’,   ’ Guacamole’,  ’ Alligator Shoes’, ’Banana Muffins’, ’ Big Daddy’, ’ Hanky Panky’, ‘Sexy Rexy’,  ’ XXX’, ‘Pineapple Upsidedown Cake’, ‘Rich Uncle’, ’ Banned In Boston’, ’ Lies and Lipstick’, ’Royal Adolescent’,  ’ Saucer Full of Secrets’, ’ Sleeping At The Wheel’,  ’ Skinny Dipping’ , ’ Spacecoast Dragon Prince’,’ String Bikini’, ’ Too Darn Hot’, ’ A Little Fire Scarecrow’,’ A Little Crabby’, ’ A Moose Fishing On A Pond On Monday’, ’ You Know Who’,  ‘Oh My Stars and Garters’, ’ Little Wart’, ’’Outhouse Delight’, ’ Baboon Bottom’, ’ Sassy Redhead’, ’ Swamp Thing’, ’ Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini’, ‘Evil Ways’,  ’ Improved Peach Blow’, ‘Zipper Gate’.

Then there is the ultimate, oh yes, ultimate nerdy example:

‘Bat Signal’

‘Bat Signal’
BAT SIGNAL
THE BAT SIGNAL

And what does the bat signal mean?!

Iris ‘BATMAN’
NANANANANANAANA

And where there’s Batman there’s a

Daylily ‘Holy Mackerel’

So there you have it. Hortricultists are trolls. And flowers are awesome.

Until next time folks!

Max Eber
Staff Writer/The Doctor
max@ihogeek.com
Twitter: @maxlikescomics