That’s right. I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey. And by golly, I am laughing my ass off.
E L James’ Twilight based Fan Fiction Sex novel has impacted the American reader like no other since . . . well a lot of other salaciously scandalous scantily clad books before it. But this one has something going for it.
It is hilarious. Not intended, but really, super funny if you take all the serious moments out of context.
Yeah . . . . baby. Oh yeah.
It goes like this: Anastasia Steele, near college graduate virgin, catches the eye of wealthy, deep and complicated young billionare Christian Grey. She constantly describes him as an Adonis, has the worst and most awkward inner monologue ever during sex and trusts, by his demand, the results of Wikipedia in the matter of educating herself in “The Dark Side” of sex.
Spoiler Alert: I will rip this series apart as I go along and will give away a ton of the ending.
Deal with it.
Smut for smut’s sake, is fine. You want to read Erotica? Awesome. Go for it. Check out some scandalous. Get : The Diaries of an Unlikely Call Girl, or Story of O or Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. There is an annual collection of the best erotica each year compiled. Just go for it. But forcing a weird romance story in between something that is super down and dirty is . . . . weird.
It goes a little something like this: Ana and Christian meet through a perfectly awkward “Oh No My Roomie on the College Newspaper is sick! And I, the not at all experienced in news person must fill her shoes with this super high power impossibly hard to get ahold of benefactor of the university. OH MY!”
Get used to the OH MY. Or the OH SHIT. or the HOLY CRAP. Or in at least one case, pirate talk. Because every time the writer gets a little sexy, steamy and scandalous flow going on, it gets ruined with that. Literally. Nice way to pump the brakes there.
Also, the super serious, cold and ultra professional Grey, who is always ADONIS (hate that description) styled loves to use the word “BABY” to address his gal Ana in bed. “Bleep bleep I’m gonna bleep bleep you so bleep bleep . . . baby, yeah.”
So why am I reading this, if I find it so ridiculous?
I will read or try to read anything once just to see what the hype is about. I’ll read best sellers, cereal boxes, advertisements, publisher information, tween romance, science fiction, fantasy, instruction manuals, recipes and how-to hints and tips. In the case of books that make a stir, I will read it to see if I like it, hate it.
Example: I cannot stand Twilight. It is badly written and takes too long to get to the point. I believe that it places precarious self esteem issues in the forefront of what seems to be an abusive or at least seriously lopsided relationship. The female protagonist, Bella Swan, has no idea of self and seeks validation through attention from distant, literally cold men. Yes, I read the whole series. And saw the first movie. And I think that Katniss wins every time.
Listen up Swan Song, you need to go to a women’s retreat and find your inner . . . whatever.
About me: I’m a feminist. I don’t really judge people so long as no one is getting hurt and everyone is consensual and safe. I’m pretty open minded and after spending a few years in the Women’s Gender and Sexuality Studies department in college I have had to study and dissect a lot about people, their proclivities and tendencies.
That being said, I get concerned when “Dark Side” things go mainstream, mainly because I’ve read too many incident reports that started with “read in book/saw on TV/movie” and ended in ER visits. People who try things out without education can seriously get hurt and makes everyone look bad/places a pale on a whole community.
Back to the good stuff: Imagine me saying this out loud in indignant cheerleader voice. Because it will be funnier.
The Oh My’s are in George Takei’s voice. The Oh Crap’s or Holy Crap’s are in in angry, duck faced sorority girl voice, the Holy Cow’s are in Bart Simpson voice. The Baby’s are in Barry White and the Pirate stuff is in . . . well, salty sea dog.
I am not kidding you. After Ana, an English Classics college major, virgin, loses it to Grey after knowing him for less than 24 hours ( SRSLY!!!????) and she wakes up in his bed, she finds him playing super sad classical piano. Oh yeah, did I mention? He flew her to his super duper mod apartment. In his helicopter. All Howard Hughes and BLEEEP!
He tells her he’s totally had a rough life “I was seduced my my mom’s friend when I was 15,” and she thinks ” WOW! so complicated.”
And then there ‘s a bath “OH MY! Imported jasmine bath oil for my super sore body/skin/down there” and yes, this 21-year-old protagonist still calls it the “DOWN THERE.”
Then she calls another “It” her personal “Christian Grey Flavored Popsicle.”
OH COME ON!
All I can think about is Whig in Bridesmaids making the “Hello I’m a Penis and I’m Here Face.”
She gets all super proud of herself, having just exerted some power over this curious man-creature.
And then there’s a lot of sex tension during breakfast. And then, an actually somewhat well crafted description of female recipient “lady popsicle-ing” shall we say? Punctuated by:
Thar be pirates in this sex scene.
And then after some . . . rough stuff . . . he’s TOTALLY YUMMY! OH MY! So yummy.
That be all for now. More to follow.
Yaarrrrrrr . . . . .